Archive | October, 2012

Overheard at the Bar

15 Oct

There’ve been a lot of great nuggets of hilarity that I’ve collected over the past few months.  Chances are if you’ve ever watched me at the bar, you’ll notice me scribbling furiously on my trusty notepad. 

Let’s take a poll, shall we?   Am I:

A) Writing down orders

B) Hand-totaling all of my sales for the night

C) Eavesdropping on your conversations and writing down the funny bits

D) Writing down my number to give to hot boys

E) All of the above?

Trick question HA! The answer actually varies by night and/or season.

Generally (and let’s be honest here), I’m spying on you.  On slow nights especially, observing patrons is the best part of the job and gets me through the nights.

And now for your reading pleasure, Overheard at the Bar:

“God, I feel like my colon is going to fall out.”

“You’re right, I AM a little like a rapist right now.”

“I watch SO much porn. Since I’m not getting laid, you know, I’m SUCH a masturbator.”

“I was falling from the stratosphere.  True story.  This was right before I got to ride the mammoth.”

“So that guy in the corner staring at us is creeping me out because he looks like Natalee Holloway’s murderer”

“She totally has a front-butt.”

“She likes to get drunk and try to stab people”

“That guy over there looks like Mr. Burns”

“I feel like a little squirrel.  I’m like ‘I want more nuts!’”

“I totally just got mouth raped…”

“He looks like a buff dwarf!”

“Well as you know, meth and porn go hand in hand.”

“Me and Sarah were gonna go home together to bang the whale, but she left.”

That’s all for now 🙂 More to come soon, my lovelies…

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I’m Baaaaaack/Heyyyyy, Sexay Lady…

12 Oct

In the past, I’ve written about a co-worker of mine.  She’s the sweetest little creampuff and has a heart of gold.  I’ll refer to her henceforth as Cupcake.

So Cupcake and I were bored last night at work, and the conversation (naturally?) turned to porn.  We had a deep and meaningful dialogue on the state of modern society, infused with our own insightful social commentary of human sexual behaviors.  One important topic of discussion was the necessity of comprehension and awareness of binary gender roles prevalent today in much porn; without it, bifurcation and further division between men and women is a result, breeding deep chauvinism and phallic worship, thus affecting much in other sociological realms.

Nah, just kidding.  We were just talking about fuckin.

So anyway, she brought up how gross a lot of porn is, especially how gross so many of the actors are.  It is especially gross to see male genitalia of the testicular kind.  To quote the comedian Whitney Cummings, “Why do all balls look like they’re 150 years old?”

As we discussed such things, we maturely began imitating a manbag swing, much to the horror of a casual onlooker.  It was very much like:

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doing:

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except down here:

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 Kinda lookin like:

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Our entire show was being witnessed by a young gentleman.  I see him out of the corner of my eye, turn to him, and he is staring with mouth agape.  Ouch. Caught. Exactly like:

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Whatever, the night ensues.

So as he’s leaving, he turns to me and imitates our dangle/swing.  As he’s walking out, he looks me in the eyes and does one of these:

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Hmmmm. Maybe Cupcake and I are onto something. New dance craze?