Archive | January, 2013

I Pledge Allegiance to the Bar

25 Jan

As some of you may know, I only moonlight as a Bar Wench.  When I’m not serving your beer with a smile and a side of titties, I’m clawing my way up (or using a life preserver to survive) the corporate ladder.  The two jobs could not be more different; other than the obvious, I’d like to break down to you exactly WHY I keep working the bar, much to the puzzlement of many.

In the two years I’ve been lucky enough to be an employee of the greatest little bar in the cutest little town, there have been some ups and downs.  I’ve threatened to quit more times than I can count.  I took a sabbatical.  I thanked my employer for the opportunity and then moved on.  Or so I thought.  But every time, I’ve come back.  The place sucks you in and keeps you indefinitely.  Turnover among staff is VERY low (not counting the revolving door of some of the waitresses). The place is great; it’s like family, complete with the creepy uncle.  Just kidding!

There are pros and cons associated with each of my jobs.  Assessing each one and pitting them against each other leads to some interesting insight…

Ready, Set, FIGHT!

Brainpower Required: Tie

Dayjob requires expertise in programmatic HR operations.  This leads to many reports and thorough organization of analytics.  I am up to my eyes in Excel functions that I never even knew existed (COUNTIF is now my best friend).  The job has expanded my knowledge in general and given me the ability to perform day-to-day tasks with foresight to trends and strategy.  I am ridiculously thankful for this.

Both jobs require an expertise in interpersonal skills and critical thinking.

Believe it or not, there IS a lot of thought that goes into work at the bar.  You may think that your local bartender or waitress just serves you drinks, no questions asked.  This may be true.  What also may be the case is that your bartender/waitress is observing your behaviors and reactions and tweaking action based on what they see.  It is a strategy game with variables.  Essentially: what can I change only slightly to maximize patron good time, my own level of fun, maximize profit for the bar and my own tips?  I certainly am honing my ability to pick up on social cues!

Management : Bar Wins

My Bar management is awesome.  Hands down winner. No comment necessary (for any of you close to me, you know why this is)

The coworkers:  Close, but Bar Wins

I love some of the folks at Dayjob.  They are caring, intellectual, innovative, witty.  But the operative word is “some.”  Also, corporate environment = formal environment.  It is hard to let your hair down.  Nobody at Dayjob knows who I REALLY am and what my personality is really like- they get a “watered-down” version for sure.  Ho-hum.

On the flipside, ALL my bar coworkers rock.  It’s nice to have the casual dynamic where you can hear ridiculous stories of sexual escapade and catch up on the scandalous gossip about in-common acquaintances. Plus, I get to be my sassy self and say things that shock people. MEOW.

The people: Bar Wins

I’m referring to “people” loosely to encompass “customers.”  At the Bar, I have the autonomy and freedom to exercise my own judgment when handling any and all situations.  If a customer is rude to an extreme, I can take appropriate measures to herd their behavior back to normal and acceptable.

At Dayjob, I get penalized for trying to put fellow employees in their place when being caustic or out of line with me.  Apparently the only appropriate response in those situations is to bend over and take it.  At least buy me a drink before you fuck me. Ugh.

The benefits: Corporate Job Wins

The corporate job offers health benefits.   For a single young lass like myself, the company shells out over $7,100 a year just to keep me alive.  Pretty damn cool.

The perks: Bar Wins

Need a shot of whiskey to take the edge off? Want to dance and shake your ass while you work? Too bad drinking is frowned upon at Dayjob. I might be a nicer person there… “You’d like me to go back and correct your mistake? Sure, hold on, I have this flask right here…. Okay, as you were saying?”

The Dress Code: Bar Wins

Big shocker, right?  I can look all hot secretary in a pencil skirt, but dressing for Dayjob is awkward.   I have to try my hardest to pretend I am a grown-up and LIKE cardigans/tweed/shoes so ugly they are practically orthopedic.  For some reason, I am more comfortable in my skin with big Texas hair, fake eyelashes, and a low cut top.  Feels natural (although the amount of war-paint I slap on before every shift is ridiculous and very, very unnatural).

 

The atmosphere: Bar Wins

You’ve read the blog. You know the crowd watching is parallel to none.  There is loud music, sexy hormones flying around, and scantily clad people. It’s awesome. Every day at the bar is a party.

FINAL ROUND- The working style: Bar Wins

It all boils down to what makes me happiest.  When I leave the bar at night, there is a smile on my face every single time. I’ve been continually happy the whole 6 or so hours I am there.  Wish I could say the same for Dayjob every day, which is more of a mix of highs as well as lows.

“But what about career!? What about aspirations?” you all shout.  Yeah, yeah. I’m working on it.

Wouldn’t you rather see me with a smile on my face?? Plus, what would I write about if I ever left the Bar and y’all? 🙂

Stay Classy, Campbell: The Adventures of “Fingerbang”

25 Jan

I know I’m not the only one who has a hard time remembering names. My friends and I commonly come up with nicknames for people we meet associated with stories we tell and laugh about. I’ve dated guys with boring names: Dave, Mike, John. “Remember the time I went out with John?” Um, no. Who the hell is that? “Remember the time I went out with Hamburger Tongue?” Ah, yes. Much more of a mental trigger.

 

So anyway, let me tell you about “Fingerbang.”

 

Last week at the bar, there were a couple different groups of people standing next to the bar. In one group, a semi-shy but sweet guy was with a girl (perhaps on a date?) sitting on stools at the bar. A hot guy from another group sits down and starts taking interest in the girl. Throughout the course of the night, Hot Guy keeps trying to talk to her and get close to her. Through his wit and charm, he manages to get his hands on her. And when I say that, I mean he got his hands ON her. IN her. Up in her. In certain inappropriate orifices. WHAT WHAT, IN THE….

 

Moving on… I was not the only one who noticed, which is good (means I wasn’t just hallucinating). SHE EVEN NOTICED. AND DID NOTHING. Well, she did smile slyly at Hot Guy. She continued her candoodling with Shy Guy, all while enjoying the backdoor tickle.

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK.  Has social grace and modesty DIED?

 

Be on the lookout for Fingerbang. I’m wondering when she’ll strike next… Let me know if you catch a glimpse!