The Slow Tongue Kiss

8 Feb


One thing that completely horrifies me and makes my skin crawl is when I have to watch the slow, romantic, gentle tongue kiss.  I see it and I instantly want to rip out my eyeballs, throw them to the ground, and stomp on them.  My disgust is magnified a thousand times over when I see it happen at night at the bar.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much.  But allow me to attempt to explain my frustration and disgust:

As you know, the bar is full of loud music and sweaty crowds.  These are not exactly the things that make a romantic setting.  Not during regular business hours anyway (might I note that I know of two blissfully happy long-term couples that had their first kiss at this particular bar).  I’m sure people have those “all-time-is-frozen-because-we-are-in-love” moments.  Read Another Lesbian Makeout Show (

Great. Fine.  But how the hell does that happen when people are ramming into you, sloshing their beers on you, screaming off-key karaoke into a microphone that blasts out over the speakers?  I don’t know. I just don’t see it.




old love

So last night was no exception.  I saw a young couple have the lingering gaze.  Slowly pull each other in.  Breathe each other’s breath.  Then sensually kiss, tongues probing.


That’s the part that kills me.  I’m terrified, eyes locked on the trainwreck in front of me, and I see the dude SLIP HIS TONGUE INTO HER MOUTH. Like a LOT of tongue.  AND SHE’S INTO IT! Barf.  I can’t look away.  The whole time I’m watching with horror.

The Kubler-Ross model explains the five stages of grief as being: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.   I too feel five symptoms.  However, my grief is better described as being:




kidding me




honeyboo boo

oh, what the hell.  one more for the cheap seats in the back:




This cycles through rapidly every time I see people doing this.  I have the amazing ability to experience all five within the span of ten seconds…

C’mon.  You’ve seen it. TELL me I’m not the only one that hates this…


One Response to “The Slow Tongue Kiss”

  1. China February 8, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

    As a proprietor of any type of physical affection that i can trick a female into giving me, I would have to admit to being one of the people who will cause you nausea. I’m a much bigger fan of the “grab the back of your head and kiss like the cure for the potential AIDS i’m about to get is all over the others face” but hey when you look like me you’ll take what you can get.

    Much love,

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