Tag Archives: winning

I Love Regulars

12 Apr

The best part of working at the bar (other than the party, and the music, and the fun, and the dancing, and the people watching, and the liquor…) is making friends with regulars.

I have a new regular that is pretty much amazing 100% of the time.  I actually may have stolen him from one of the other bartenders… Regular used to “belong” to a different bartender, but he’s mine now. Bwahaha.  Anyway, he comes and visits me most Thursdays.

I can’t say that I know too much about him other than he lives in Campbell, is a self-proclaimed computer geek, and has excellent taste in liquor (mmmm crown!!). He doesn’t actually talk about himself, which is rare. If you work in the service industry, you know how customers just LOVE to talk about themselves.  He keeps quiet, practically making him an enigma.

 

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Here’s the meat of the story why he’s awesome: he brought me a cake last night.

So a few background details: we’d had discussion of said cake a few days prior, and I didn’t actually think he’d bring one.  I think it is a typical “girl” thing to do to make ridiculous demands and see what will actually transpire.  “Buy me a pony” and “I would like a yellow Lamborghini, please” never really work (not like we ever expect them to).  HOWEVER, women are so used to being shot down, that when we DO make demands, we never believe they will get fulfilled.

Until Regular actually brought me a motherfuckin cake. YIPPIE!

Oh, and did I mention I played hooky from work last night to sit at home in my pajamas? Fail. I wasn’t actually there to receive it, so instead I got this lovely tortuous photo, guilting me and making me feel like crap that I bailed.

 

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Lesson learned: regulars are awesome, and it’s always worth it to suck it up and just go into work.

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Waitress Fires Back

22 Nov

People drink some random ass shit. I know the whole ‘different strokes for different folks’ thing applies in all aspects of life, but sometimes people want some weird drinks.  One guy was drinking root beer schnapps on the rocks all night long. Literally, for like four hours.  After he was maybe seven shots deep, he starts hitting on me.  After more shots, he starts getting more aggressive and uncouth about it, telling me that I WILL be going home with him, etc.  Finally, he tells me that it’s going to happen, and I should just accept it.  But there is a way out of it…

 

He says, ‘so you either drink rootbeer schnapps out of my bellybutton, or my dick is going in your butt. Which do you want?’

 

I fire back, ‘well how clean is your bellybutton?’

 

Everyone (except for him) started laughing.

Score one for the tiny cocktail waitress.

Winning versus Losing

22 Nov

As mentioned, I see some pretty weird stuff.  Some people lose control of themselves, but it’s sometimes in the best way.  Upon occasion, people have some Charlie Sheen Winning moments; most people would not consider these to be highlights of life, but in the bar world, I see them as small victories.  Activities like puking, losing personal property, and fighting are ubiquitous.  When someone triumphs over these, I consider it a “win”

 

Winning:

*Make it rain with cocktail napkins– one of our Regular was black out drunk one time (god bless that man. Its always really fun when he gets drunk).  But anyway, im in my well totaling some drinks, and he comes up right behind me without saying a word, grabs a stack of napkins off the bar, and silently ‘makes it rain.’  For those of you not aware of what this means, allow me to enlighten you (courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

Make It Rain:  [meyk it reyn]   1    When you’re in da club with a stack, and you throw the money up in the air at the strippers. The effect is that it seems to be raining money.

 

*Player guy making out with 3 different girls in three different parts of the bar

Exactly what it sounds like.  Our bar has three different sections basically- a front, the back, and a back room.  This guy managed to keep three different girls in their own respective parts of the bar the whole night without confrontation.  Well played, sir. Win.

 

*Spewing straight into the trash can-

I was in the restroom during a shift one time, and I’m fixing my hair after washing up.  As I’m in front of the mirror, a girl barges in the bathroom door and exclaims, ‘I’m gonna puke. Ohgod, oh no… here it comes!’ She’s standing in the middle of the bathroom about 4 feet from the trashcan, but she’s facing it.  The whole thing happened in slow motion, like a car accident.  Expecting her to puke suddenly in the middle of the floor, I am pleasantly surprised/horrified when I see her begin to projectile vomit.  Suddenly, I am petrified she is going to hit the wall behind the trashcan, it is going to splatter and drip down the wall, and I am going to have to clean it up.  To my utter disbelief, she manages to make it ALL into the trashcan, without spilling a drop.  This girl is a champ.  Clearly she’s had practice.  Maybe it’s like some sort of gross party trick.  Whatever it was though, it’s a win. WIN.

 

Not winning:

 

*fat girl drop it like its hot–  I generally am not sizeist.  I think skinny people can be too skinny, just like I think larger people can be too fat.  That being said… One night there was a large group of girls getting drunk VERY quickly.  One larger girl ended up downing maybe 6 shots, then starts doing the bump and grind to her very large friend who was sitting down.  Okay, so two hippos chair dancing? Interesting.  Even more interesting? The one standing up gets so drunk she falls on top of her chaired partner, causing the two of them AND the chair to fall over. Hilarious. Fail.

 

*Roll in puke on sofa– so a drunk guy puked on one of our leather sofas.  That HARDLY ever happens. People usually have the grace/coordination to make it to the bathroom or outside before disgorging the seven jager bombs they thought were a good idea in an hour span.  However, one esteemed gentlemen apparently threw up on our sofa and bounced out.  Most people had the sobriety to recognize the hazard and leave the area alone.  However, an hour or so later, a very drunk girl nosedives for the sofa and makes herself comfortable (dancing, flailing arms around in the air, etc). In the puke. In a mini skirt. She didn’t even notice.  Fail.

 

*Asleep behind trash can- our bar is responsible for many a good time.  We get people drunk, we get people in good moods, and we get people laid.  Its awesome.  Its almost like community service.  Just kidding. Ha.  We DO cut people off when we see they are too wasted, but some people seem fine when they order, then their drunk hits them like a freight train.  One such victim apparently got hit by said train in the front of our bar.  On the way to my car, I see feet sticking out onto the sidewalk from behind a trashcan.  One of our bouncers was walking me to my car and gently nudges his feet. The guy wont get up.  He’s breathing, but sleeping. Behind the trashcan.  Like a hobo. Fail.

meowww…. angry kitty

7 Sep

so another time the claws have come out was last weekend at the bar where i work.  i recently got dumped by some asshole, and he had dumped his previous girlfriend as well.  the backstory on this one is that she hates me with firey passion because she thinks i am the reason he dumped her. i am amazing and fabulous, so i can see why she might think this is the case, but apparently they had been having issues for quite some time/were constantly breaking up and getting back together.  so i guess the fact i happened to come along after her makes me the devil and 100% responsible for her heartbreak.

anyway, i was hanging out at the bar on one if my nights off with a bunch of friends. i was sitting on one of the couches canoodling with a hot man, and i look up to see my ex’s ex (lets just call her Bitter) standing with two guys and staring me down. she is visibly getting worked up, and it is quite clear to me that she’s talking shit about me since she keeps looking over.

i’ll admit, i feel sorry for this girl. it is very unfortunate that she got dumped and now has to live the single life with that mannish face of hers. ha. but really, i feel bad for her that she was so upset over this asshole that we both dated. i AM sorry she got her feelings hurt and her heart stomped on. he did it to me. i’m familiar with what it feels like, and it sucks.  i wouldn’t wish that feeling on her.

given my confidence of two vodka redbulls, i walk up to Bitter and offer to buy her a shot.

the look on her face was pure hatred. i’m surprised fire didn’t shoot out of her eyeballs and torch me to ashes. she asks ‘why in the fuck would i want to take a shot with you?!’

i responded ‘well, we both dated the same asshole, so lets take a shot to being done with him cuz we’re better off.’

you did not date him. i dated him for three years. you just were fucking him. thats not dating him.’

so this goes back and forth for a while. i tried to be cordial. i apologized and said i was sorry for the way everything went down, we’re better off without him, etc.  finally i had had enough. you can only disrespect me to my face for so long before i will snap. so i cut her off midsentence and said, ‘yeah, well he picked fucking me over dating you. so i win.’ and subsequently walked away.

i could see her standing there for the next ten minutes talking to her friends and causing a scene about it since she was so pissed.

so i got our bouncer to kick her out.

bwahahah. i win. i double win 🙂 love it.